Why Is Building Community So Hard (Even for the Helpers)?
Exploring why connection feels harder than ever — and how we can rebuild community together.
Lately, I’ve been having conversations with others about community — what it means, how it shows up, and how hard it can be to build.
A friend recently shared on Instagram that she was celebrating two years of being part of a community — something that has taken her real effort to create. Her community centers around a specific need for herself and her family — she’s part of a mom’s group for children with unique abilities.
She also mentioned how many of her friends, even those who are typically “community-driven” people (like me), are struggling to find and sustain it too.
Ive been pondering this a lot lately and realize there can be a lot of factors but also, I’m wondering has this always been the case for people in the late 30s early 40s? Is this something that is unique to our day and age because of isolation that came from the shut down? Is it because as a helper, we tend to help ourselves last?
I continue to journey with curiosity in my own life as I’m building community here on Substack, with The Wonder Well, but also in my personal life too.
What We Know About Community
We know that a sense of belonging is good for our mental health.
We know that being together with others boosts endorphins, dopamine, and happy hormones in the body.
We know that living experiences with others makes them better.
We know living in community builds resilience.
We know it allows us to not feel alone.
According to Brene Brown “we are wired for connection.” She has a ton of research around connection, belonging, and togetherness.
We know being of service to others in turn brings us joy.
We know these things then why is it so hard? It’s a question I continue to ponder and reflect on.
Listening, Learning, and Reflecting
I’ve been listening to
‘s podcast Plucking Up lately because her new season explores relationships and community. Liz brings such a blend of lived experience, research, and curiosity — she’s a master at creating connection. Hearing her conversations with guests has deepened my own reflections on this topic.What We Talked About in The Wonder Well
In The Wonder Well Community, our recent call naturally drifted toward this same theme — building friendships and finding belonging as adults. This, in turn, helps alleviate burn out.
We talked about how many of us want community but find it hard to maintain.
Some shared that in their towns, there’s just “not much to do.” Others noted that their communities feel tight-knit — full of people who grew up together — which can make it hard to find your way in.
It left me wondering…
Let’s Reflect Together 💭
What makes it hard to build community as an adult?
What makes it hard in the cities we live in?
People say they want it — but where is it?
Is community something you’re longing for right now? Has it been a struggle for you too?
And if it hasn’t been a struggle — I’d genuinely love to hear what’s working for you. How have you been able to cultivate it?
My Season of Rediscovering Community
For me, it’s still a struggle — one I’m learning my way through in this season. I plan to share more as I go. Right now I’m reaching out and looking for spaces in my calendar where I can cultivate community consistently. Trying things i’ve done before but also considering things I haven’t yet. I am also very aware that I am in a different space, place, and time in my life to build community. I’m older, time feels different, responsibilities are more, and honestly,… some days I’m just tired. With that, I know my capacity and when I was younger I think I build community in spite of my capacity when was a detriment to me in the long run. So, I’m trying to be realistic and whismy at the same time. Believing for a community of people to connect, laugh, and do life with on the regular.
I believe as helpers we tend to put ourselves on the back burner and because of that we don’t prioritize community for ourselves. We can easily recommend it for others, but when it comes to us…. we may second guess or say “we ain’t got time for that”.
So, in the effort of creating community, I would love if you considered The Wonder Well — a space I created to foster connection among helpers, healers, and high achievers who hold space for others.
It’s a place to receive support, connect meaningfully, and take a moment for yourself.
Whether you join from your phone or your laptop, we’d love to have you.
💛 Join The Wonder Well Community → Sign Up Here
Curious what The Wonder Well feels like?
Join one of our upcoming Community Calls — a free peek inside our space for helpers, healers, and high-achievers who hold space for others.
☕ RSVP + Get Your Free Preview → Sign up Here
Until Next Time,
Tiffany